March 2022

There’s moments, days and weeks that I feel like throwing the towel in on recovery. And where the voice of my Ed gets the better of me. It makes me feel like I’m drowning yet again, it attempts to convince me that giving up on recovery is the way to go. Wanting me to fall right back into the arms of my eating disorder, to follow its commands and to believe every word it fills my mind with . It does a very good job of bringing me down and dragging me into a bit of a hole. But I choose to not surrender to restricting to lose weight to be skinnier. Like it tells me too. Going against that voice is hard work and has taken a lot of time for me to be stronger than it to not fall down its trap hole. I know I have to eat, eating is now no longer a negotiation. It’s mandatory to get better, to live the best life I can live. It is my prescribed medication so to speak. I'm fighting to live my best life, it has limitations but fighting for a healthier life is worth it. And I prove that to myself often. I fall some days but then I pick myself back up and get back on the horse so to speak. I remind myself and am reminded my team that I’ve worked too hard to go back now. I know I have, but some days that means nothing to me if I’m totally honest. But other days it means a lot to me, and is a piece of me that helps me keep fighting to move upwards, onwards and forward. 

In the last few months that I’ve been absent from the blog, it’s been a ride of highs and lows. It’s been filled with happiness, tears, good memories, paranoia, fun, anxiety and little achievements.

One of my treatment goals for 2022 is to work on gaining independence for myself. I'm trying to establish a life for myself, a future and direction for how I want my life to look like and what I want to do in this life. I try and not expect myself to have all the answers right now. This is definitely a long term goal, where I am working on gaining independence, and a lifestyle for myself starting from the roots up. 

This long term goal is both exciting but also fills me with a lot of anxiety and apprehension. I am totally out of my comfort zone, my safety bubble. I have been in my safety bubble for quite some time now, so the big wide world does feel a bit scary and can feel quite overwhelming. I am seeing how I'd like this to change however, I am already working hard to change how my picture currently looks like. What my world is like right now and how I want my future to look like moving forward in this life. 

I have no life she says;

Stuck feeling trapped, 

To activate change,

You gotta get out there and do something different. 

Try something new,

Break through those comfort zones,

And jump over those hurdles. 

Change doesn't happy on it's own,

Change occurs when you work at it

As I open my eyes, 

I am starting to say my goodbyes,

To the old me,

The broken me.

I am discovering,

As I begin recovering, 

And I explore the new version of myself,

That I am slowly creating.

I see the world differently,

I fall down sometimes, 

But I pick myself back up, 

Time and time again, 

Everything happens for a reason, 

And I was put here for a reason when I was born in this world, 

I haven't found my why yet,

But I know I will in time,

I ain't perfect, 

Who is though?

Life knocks me down a lot,

But I get back up,

I bounce back,

Again and again, and I have another crack, 

I could give up often, 

When life gets all too much, 

I feel broken sometimes,

And I think that I'll be broken forever, 

But the pieces of the jigsaw puzzle called life,

Can be put together, 

It won't be new or perfect, 

But our adversities, our scars

Can either destroy us, 

Or make us stronger, 

You can change your tomorrow, 

One day at a time,

So please don't give up, 

Even if you don't see or believe it right now,

The is hope in this world for you,

The world is better with you in it. 

I guess you'd say I'm stuck in a bit of a rut at the moment as I move forward with life in recovery and looking at my future. What does Hannah's future look like? How do I want it to look? What do I want to do with my life? I know they are big questions to put on myself, but lately I've been asked quite persistently from my treatment team about my thoughts for the future and how and what do I want to do next. What do I want to do now that I'm not acutely so unwell and what we are calling phrase three of my recovery journey with my long battle with Anorexia that I am now in. 

Last year I bought myself a few things; I got a paddle board and a swag. With the intention on going on some little trips. I think the stuff sat around for a few months before I gathered the courage to commit to spontaneously going to the beach by myself. This was a massive big deal for me, totally out of my comfort zone and really challenged my anxiety.