You look so Happy!

                                                 

  

"But you look so Happy"

Happiness, " A positive and pleasant emotion and the sense of well-being, joy or contentment"

Ever thought am I really happy? 

Ever thought you were happy, when deep down you weren't? 

Or do you spend all your time trying to depict your happy on the outside when you are crumbling on the inside? 

Well for me lately I guess it a smidge and sprinkle of all the above. But in particular putting up that happiness front on for majority of the time. I put on a face, I go to on with each day and a pretend to be okay and to be my normal self. Whatever the definition of 'normal is and so do so many of us do that. But why does the society we live in a world that we have to hide the hard times? It would be a glim world if it was only the negatives. But I think a sharing a combination of life's highs and lows makes the world more realistic, more whole. Sharing, talking opens so much conversation and you never know when you have a moment with someone who says "oh you do that too" or " you also think xyz"

When I take off the happiness mask, my world crumbles would describe it. I fall and I tried for ages to keep up the face. But that wore thin, I couldn't keep the mask on anymore. The happiness mask, when for months I was feeling like I was drowning on the inside. Feeling like I was just keeping my head above water. 

Slowly, keeping my head above water felt imposible. I was a mess to the point I could no longer hide it. My emotions and thoughts began to explode, destroying the relationships with those around me. I knew I was loved but I soon began to feel unheard, unloved and unloveable. I felt like a burden, a nuisance and too much to handle. 

The relationships with those I love the most, seem to be a battle in my world and it was breaking me as im sure was breaking them. 

Sometimes, somethings can't be unsaid, can't be taken back and unheard. Sometimes the damage is done and it's really hard to get back to the place with yourself and others that you beforehand. Some may say it's never too late, but what happens's if it is? But maybe it aint? I suppose that's the big question. 

Living with bipolar 2 disorder and BPD, I can feel like I am too much, at times.  That going through another depressive episode is too much for those around me to handle . Too much for them to see me deteriorate, too much to see me like this, too much for them and I to have the strength, and energy to do and go through this again.Which we have gone through time and time over. I can't, we can't do this again. But this is part of my reality of the unstable ride right now. 

It was thought for months that I was doing ok, because of the front, the mask of happiness I displayed to the world, to the people around me. When I was struggling deeply on the inside day in day out. Some of the time I was seeing some glimpse of sunshine. But then something may set me off and I'm a ball of mess. 

Battling the highs and lows of  BPD and Bipolar disorder, it can feel like a rollercoaster and like everything is happening all at once, Or feel like nothing is happening at all.  It can come and go in waves, sometimes more waves of highs and lows than you can imagine. I feel some of the lowest of lows and hypo- manic highs. I can feel impulsive, ambitious, full of energy, my thoughts race and I can be full of life. And then after a varying amount of time I come come crashing down or erupting like a volcano. And when the lows hit me, it can make me feel suicidal, this feeling of not wanting to live. And it's not like I really want to die, as someone explained to me. It just I want this pain to end, that I want it gone. I want to experience that "happiness" I described earlier.

Spiralling because of both of those things, I find myself back in more intensive treatment, which I haven't needed in quite a while. 

I am usually quite open about being here. About being in hospital. But this time felt different. It wasn't that I was so much ashamed to be here. But I kinda felt guilty for a number of reasons. 

I also know have the support 100%,of the people in my life.  But I didn't know if I wanted to share this part of my life, my story with  the broader group on socials. Likely I usually would. Perhaps I didn't want people to know that I was back here and the fact that I was struggling so deeply. Maybe somethings feel like they should be kept private. Maybe I just wasn't in the right space to share yet. 

This time feels different, because this time I have a life, especially a life outside of admissions. Which is something I've never had before. 

Everything feels like it turns into a melt down of sorts, or the feeling of being completely numb at the other end of the spectrum. I feel nauseous and don't want to eat sometimes and the thought of food makes me want to vomit. When I'm anxious, upset and a complete wreck the appetite diminishes. Or I think I'm hungry and then can barely eat anything. 

My mind plays games on me sometimes, okay a lot of the time.  The voices fill my head with ideas and conceptions of what people will think of me. But I do also know  in my rational and insightful mind that those thoughts I have are inaccurate, false and untrue. I worry and get anxious about if I've said the wrong thing or the right thing or if I got it all wrong. I second guess myself, okay most of the time I second guess myself. I worry about some of the smallest, most insignificant things one could. But are huge inside my head. I apologise so often, feeling guilty for expressing how I really feel about my life experiences or the situations I go through. Whether they are true or untrue inside my head.

It often feels like others think it's  'just another admission'' but that's not what it feels like for me. Every time I voluntarily admit myself is hard. It's so hard to except that I'm really here, that I need more help than what I can get within the community, that despite the brave front I display I find it hard. I may seem like I've got it all together on the outside whilst on the inside I'm afraid, anxious and sad. 

Now I'm here, I feel safe and content. I know it was the right thing to do, I know I needed help. I know I need this to aid me to get better. I need this time to breathe, I need the reset button on my life pushed. And being here does that for me. But being back here is incredibly hard, incredibly emotional. And it is so much harder than I thought it would be.

So much harder to cope, to deal, to let myself breathe. I find myself upset a lot of the time, the thoughts, the anxiety overwhelms me majority of the time. Sometimes it's hard for me to make the thoughts stop, or even slow down. With help with my specialised and supportive team I feel like together we have made some progress forward in everything we have done this past month. 

I want to be able to live my best life to the best I can. I want to achieve optimal health for me and within my limitations.I know that my life, will be filled with unpredictability with my illnesses. But that's something I'll have to learn to live with, something to learn to cope with. I know someday I'll live a fuller life, I believe there is hope for me still. That this isn't the ending of my story, or the finishing chapter of my my life's book. It's just begining. 

Hope still exists if you give it the chance to be found, and then change is really possible.  I know the people around me believe that for me especially when I don't see it or believe it for myself always. 

All my love,

Han xo