*** Trigger mentioning of self harm ***
Mental health awareness month, is a time where part of me wants to share some of my story. But leaves me also reluctant to do so. The fear of judgment, criticism and the essence of being vulnerable, scares me. But shall I feel the fear and do it anyway as some may say.
Mental illness can look many ways and have many faces. The happiest and brightest person in a room. Whose internal world is full of darkness. Or darkness is on the inside and outside. Sometimes the darkness on the inside is hard to hide. In life we don’t always have the answers to solve our problems or our worries. At times we just have to sit in the thick of it until the storm passes. “Because all flowers need the rain” to grow , to prosper , to learn, to live and simply do this thing called life.
In a snapshot of a specific chapter of my life begin in 2016. It was the first time I begun hurting myself. For four years my poor body, every limb to some degree battered and scared from self harm behaviours. Scars that aren’t just physical but mentally scarring as well. Scars that’ll haunt me, scars that’ll have many questions asked as I go through life. To some I’ll never want to tell the story of how they become. The stories to graphic to ever want to share.
In this period of my life, I saw no out to self harm. I thought and believed that it was the only way to cope with the things going on in the present, the things of my past and the future troubles I was to face.
At the ending of May 2020, I made a decision that would change this path I was in, in my life. I committed to giving up self harming behaviours. Black and white thinking if I was to give up I’d be giving up for good. That hurting myself was no longer going to be an option to cope.
I went cold turkey. And I committed to saying enough is enough. And trust me, the thoughts and urges didn’t just over night stop. Because they didn’t. And still at times cross my mind very very occasionally when I’m struggling. But I don’t engage in it. It’s not an option for me. I've come such a long way to stop this behaviour, and have learnt healthier ways to cope with my struggles.
Still a bit stuck, in a 10 year battle with an eating disorder. An illness for me that has changed a lot and dramatically over the years. It’s still a battle I face regularly. Also living with Bipolar mood disorder type 2, is another separate struggle. Just two on the list of illnesses that are chained to my name. But choosing to find other ways to cope with the distress other than self harm.
I’ve had to and still continue to put in a lot, like a lot of work every single day. Multiple therapy sessions, medication and routine support. To keep me the wellest version of myself.
From the girl who was completely broken, who once struggled with alcohol abuse too, who’d regularly spent weeks to months in Psychiatric hospital beds for the battle of surviving an eating disorder that was killing me plus the multiple mental health related illnesses that hospitalised me. Which all left me in a life isolated and a withdrawn existence that I lived. That I called my life.
To now, rebuilding and creating new relationships with others, being able to hold down jobs that I've loved and currently love. To learning to try new things , to go to new places. And learning to fall in love and enjoy life slowly. Still have a lot of work on for myself. But I’ll get there in time. Finding the courage, and drawing on the inspiration of others to push and motivate myself to discover how I want to live my life, Hannah’s life. And not in the shadow of others.
It’s not perfect, nor always smooth sailing. It’ll never be perfect if I’m realistic. I’m learning my limits, and accepting my limitations with my illnesses. I know when I need to actively seek further and more intensive support, which is important for me & my well being.
Staying on track takes work, time, effort and commitment. But also much support. Either professionally, unprofessionally or a combination of both. Most of all your commitment to yourself and your recovery is critical if you want anything to change, or if you want to be able to find the best version of yourself.
I’m grateful and lucky to still be here to tell my story, but really also to have more than a second opportunity to discover and have the chance to learn to live a more fulfilling life away from illness slowly one day at a time.
Moral, four years on, from that day in 2020 when I actively choose to say it’s time to break free from self harm. I’m still self harm free today. And that’s something Im very proud of. Im proof and aim to have given hope that maladaptive behaviours can be broken. Change can happen and so can the narrative of your life can change too.
Love always
Han xoxo
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