Only You

There was a period of my life that I went through some really incredibly hard times. I remember no longer wanting to be a part of this world, that feeling of not wanting to exist anymore. I felt so alone a lot of the time. I had withdrawn from the people that in fact cared about me so much. I pushed everyone and everything that was important to me away. 

I am chronically suicidal, it comes and goes in waves. But for months I am the most stable and close to/ working in progress best version of myself in years. It hasn't been easy recreating myself from Hannah with Anorexia, to whom I am today and constantly evolving, discovering and living life. 

From the age of 19, I bounced between houses for years, however I was so fortunate to have been given these places to live. And that I'll always be grateful for. 

Instability in my world and in and out of a hospital bed didn't exactly ring a light on the other end of the tunnel for me. I thought that this life was always going to be my life. I had lost hope, I had no faith. 

In my darkest days, months, hours and years I truly believed that everyone close to me was against me, that I wasn't loved and that I was an absolute burden to them and their lives. I didn't want to continue being that burden on them and those suicidal thoughts haunted me over and over again. 

I felt like a burden and a trigger to those closed to me. I shut them out and isolated myself to keep them safe, so I thought. I believed I could work out all this mess inside my head by myself. That it wasn't that 'bad' and that there's people out their far sicker than me. I was running away constantly. Running from dealing with the obstacles in my life, running from those I didn't want to burden anymore and running from the reality of dealing with my problems that I downgraded constantly. 

I come to a conclusion that I needed help, that no matter how strong headed I was or that I didn't need help. Deep down I truly did need help. That no matter how hard those around me cared, loved or supported me it made no difference when I was at rock bottom. Nothing mattered at rock bottom. Only I could pull myself out of the hole I was in. But climbing out of that hole didn't have to be done alone I learnt. That a team of professionals were actually here to help me get better. Even when at points I didn't want it.

I count myself lucky. My eating disorder was killing me and my suicidal thoughts could have turned into actions. But something stopped me, something or someone saved me from ending my story. And for that I hold onto faith that going forward I am going to be ok, that you can come back from the darkness inside your head. I understand that there's still rain clouds, thunderstorms and maybe not a whole lot of sunshine. But please don't give up, you are loved, even if you don't think so someone out there is praying for you to get better and that you will get through this difficult chapter of your life. The dark days can become less frequent, less acute and less in tense. It takes time and showing up for yourself. 

Just recently I spent 10 days at home without my dad and step mum who had gone interstate for a holiday. Not that long ago it wasn't even imaginable to possible for them to go away or go anywhere without me. Due to my vulnerability and suicidal tendencies. I was acutely unwell, and my whole world and my families world was taken over by my illnesses. These 10 days was a challenge and I had to challenge my anxieties and had to create and maintain boundaries with them. The day's were pretty cruisy as I filled in the time ok, but the nights were the hardest and where I felt most alone, consumed by many thoughts about many things. I went to bed early each night because it was too painful staying up trapped in my head thinking and thinking. 

But I did it, I managed and I coped pretty dam well. I am actually proud of myself that I did this. That I could be at home without being a high risk or that I didn't have to go the psychiatric hospital for an admission whilst my family was away. I stayed at home, I did it. I gave my dad and step mum space to breathe and have time without me in it just to themselves. 

I am so much stronger for what I have been though for a long long time. That I am still a work in progress, but truly a healthier version of me. I can recognise I am loved, cared for and that the world and my family in fact with me in this journey. That I am not that burden that I believed I was. I have turned so many negatives into positives, and am constantly working towards being a more positive person and changing how I look at things in life and the obstacles that happen too. 

When I learnt to live with faith and started praying I had a piece of me that wasn't totally alone. That I was going to be ok, that I was going to make it through whatever life though at me good or bad. 

I reflect a lot on where I have come from and where I am today. And the nurses, to allied health professionals, Dr's and my family that have been apart of this recovery journey. I am grateful so thank you so much for sticking around and supporting me for helping me save me. 

I had such a big 2022 on so many levels. Achieved more than I thought I was capable of achieving. 

I am the strongest version of me, the challenges have made me stronger and wiser. I feel for the first time capable to not be triggered and strong enough to be there others. 

I thought I'd never get better, or that I would be a survivor stronger enough to tell my story and help others feel not alone in the battle of mental illness. 

You my love, can get better, I promise you. 

Love 

Han