I was under this perception that when I choose recovery that everything would just go straight back to normal, that my body would respond and would be repaired. But I am now learning that after years and years of restricting food and fluids, exercising excessively and abusing diuretics that it would take more than a few months of 'being on track' and the 'healthiest I've been" to rectify the damage that I have caused on my body with my battle with Anorexia and an eating disorder.
Some, including me would say I'm a little inpatient at times especially when it comes to the healing part. I can cry during the day and again night after night, feeling hopeless and helpless in this journey and how big a role that body dysmorphia drowns me to the pit of my stomach. As I sat with my gp last week, and cried yet again about my fears, thoughts and anxieties. She gently said to me that you know it might be a whole another year for your to normalise weight. And that devastated me. It devastated me because to me it felt like 'what am I doing wrong' and 'why is it taking so long'. As she said to me and I agreed; I am the healthiest I have been in this battle with my eating disorder. I still disguised the way I saw my body and what the number on the scales read.
Theres no denying that there is still a battle at hand everyday but that I have come a long way and have worked so incredibly hard to get to where I am in recovery today. At times it doesn't necessarily feel all what it's cracked up to be because the pain, the thoughts still exist within my mind. I just have to choose to fight them, and to choose to stay on the recovery and wellness train.
I choose to stay on the recovery train, because despite what my mind may try and convince me, falling into the trap gate of my eating disorder isn't the solution to any of the problems or things going on in my life. That restricting isn't going to cure my body dysmorphia, but in fact this will just fuel it deeper and deeper. Restricting will put my body under stress and swing it straight back into survival mode and the consequences of that isn't what I am chasing.
Being fully weight restored has given me so much more in life, then the life I was in when I was literally dying to Anorexia.
I am able to exercise again with supervision of trained professionals to help me achieve my goals that are not disordered ed fuelled. Before I could barely stand up right. When I was acutely unwell, I was straining and damaging the relationships with the people I love and care about the most. And now there is a healthier balance. I'm learning how to have fun and laugh and not feel guilty about it. I can see my world in a different light, and deal with life's challenges along the way in a much healthier manner. I couldn't do that before. Over the years I have suffered with alcohol abuse, I have been sober for three years. And recently I had my first social drink with my family, which was a massive deal. I was afraid that oh maybe having a drink will swallow me up to relapse. But it hasn't and I am really proud of my self for that. And furthermore proud of myself for putting safety measures in place to prevent relapse happening in the first place. Not that long ago would I have had the capacity to this like this.
When I look in the mirror and see my reflection, or when I look at a photo of myself I know now that I don't see what you see. That through my eye's lense it's a very different narrative or picture so to speak. Gaining weight and accepting weight gain has been so incredibly hard to get my mental and emotional brain around the entire concept. As I said earlier, there's days where I simply cannot stop crying or struggle with feeling distressed about this different body I now live in. Compared to the one I manipulated the size, shape and weight of for years. I find it really really hard to be blind weighed each week and to restrain myself from going out and buying another set of bathroom scales to obsessively weigh my self on. I was told my weight during some medical admissions recently, with them not aware of the extensive history of my eating disorder. And that I wasn't meant to know my weight, but I found out didn't[t I. Well yes, I was told. And devastated I was. I work really closely with my gp and put every bit of trust into her that she's managing it and it's under control. Which is very hard for me to do.
But I do it. I do it.
Maybe you're thinking well how ' do you do it' and I guess keep reminding myself that I've come so far, i've made so much progress and that my life is far fuller with me being healthier than what it was when I was really unwell. It still is hard and some days you do feel like throwing the towel in on it. There is bumps, pot holes and speed humps just like driving on the road. You just gotta keep fuelling the tank to keep the wheels moving forward.
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