It isn't all blu

04/07/2021

My last blog, it was pretty blu. But I believe in keeping things honest, transparent and the reality of going through these challenges and battles I face in this life. And I hope that with this, it can help others facing similar battles not feel so alone in theirs. 

There is a lot of low points, points where I feel completely helpless and hopeless. I feel like I'll never get better, or that even if my broken pieces can be glued together. That I'll never be completely unbroken. But I have hope that I'll learn to live with parts of me that are broken. The parts of me and my illnesses that I have absolutely no control over. Feeling out of control is one of my biggest triggers in relation to my eating disorder, that feeling can spiral me out of control so incredibly fast. However, everytime I feel my eating disorder creeping in on me. I have a choice. I either crumble to its commands, demands and its tourchous voice. Or I chose to fight to save my life, to save Hannah. To protect everything I've worked so hard to rebuild/re-establish my life and myself. 

Often I believe that the tunnel of darkness will never see brightness. 

Other times, I believe that the world is my oyster and that my opportunities in this world are endless. 

I dream of writing a book and even traveling the world sharing my story someday. I consider trying to return to study again, maybe nursing. I am beginning to explore what I am passionate about and the things I get enjoyment from. 

My eating disorder stole my identity for years, to the point where I really lost who I was, who Hannah was. At the same time, I didn't want to be the same Hannah. I didn't want to relive my past, a past that lead me to develop an eating disorder. I wanted to discover who Hannah was now. Who Hannah is, a version of me without the massive storm cloud of my eating disorder weighing me down all these years. 

In the times where I'm where I am coping, managing and my head is considered a far lot more stable; life's possibilities and opportunities excite me. 

As I'm "Discovering Life" it is like a rollercoaster. It's filled with many lows, there's no denying that.  But it's also filled with so many good moments. So many proud moments, good new memories that are being created and are also just around the corner about to be created.

Love always,

Han