05/05/2021
I thought that numbers were behind me
But in a blink of eye my world felt shattered and consumed all over again
It was like a bad nightmare
One that I wished was simply that
But it wasn’t.
It was real.
I couldn’t escape the information I saw in black and white on that piece of paper
Right there It was in front of me
My weight.
Something that had been purposely hidden from me to protect me.
But the data fell accidently into the palms of my hands.
Devastated
By the reality of those black and white digits in front of me.
I hadn't seen the 'number' for quite a while now.
Seeing it,
Left me just about completely speechless
I bawled for hours on end.
My eyes left red and puffy
Sore throat and running nose
Looking like a complete basket case
As I carried on finishing off business like I was fine
Then back in my car I hopped
Sobbing uncontrollably again
As I drove myself back home
Where I was;
Isolated,
Alone,
I simply at this point wanted to die
After the shit storm mess I was already going through and then this fell into the palms of hands.
It felt too much to handle.
Dramatic some may say
But when you live with suicidal ideation tendencies
Things that may seem small
Aren’t inside my head.
All the hard work I’ve done
All the hard work I’ve put in
Felt like it had just been flushed down the toilet
I questioned recovery
I questioned life
I questioned my practitioners
Who I trusted
What now felt like I had been left astray.
I felt like I had stepped back in time,
Right back there,
Like it had never left me.
The number that those scales felt like it was destroying me into a million pieces,
I truely believed that it didn't matter anymore,
That I was passed this,
But this is proving to be one of my biggest challenges in this recovery process,
Because now,
I must truly fight,
Fight the temptation,
Fight that screaming ed voice that has made its presence, to the front of my mind.
I must fight to not go down that dark and dangerous spiral.
I must fight for
My wellness,
My happiness,
My life.
Because before all this,
The number didn't actually matter,
It wasn't making my struggles any less,
Or making my good times any better.
It was simply an unknown that wasn't actually changing my life what so ever.
So spiraling out of control,
And again torched by that screaming voice,
That voice of ed rules and abuse.
And falling back into full blown eating disorder mode,
Is something,
I can't go through this again.
I can't do this again.
I've worked far too hard,
Cried too many tears,
Been through too much trauma,
And lost so much of my life and almost my life to this illness.
So today I fight.
I fight to survive.
I fight against fully relapsing.
Yes I'm sad,
Yes I'm upset,
I'm distressed,
I'm confused,
I'm angry.
I'm anxious more of the time than I already was.
It's left me feeling crumbled,
Defeated,
Speechless,
So worked up and soggy eyed mess.
But shall I be
Stronger,
Wiser,
And more resilient than ever,
Because I am so far better equipped to handle and get through this than I once would've been.
I was told that today.
And even though I do find it hard to believe,
I'm going to keep trying to convince myself that I am.
That I can get through this setback,
This massive challenge that has startled and upset me.
I do feel lost and afraid.
But I'm trying to accept that maybe that's ok for now.
I remind myself to keep doing my best to keep on fighting and to not allow my eating disorder to completely derail and spiral my life out of control once more.
Right now it's hard.
It's really flipping hard.
Because I'm full of insight from my lived experience,
But it doesn't make this illness any easier to live with
But if I give in,
The way out is even harder.
I know this, because I've lived it.
I know that right now I ultimately have a choice.
To which path I choose to go down.
Fighting this slippery and dicey time isn't and has proven it's not going to be easy.
So I know I need more help.
And asking for more help shall I do.
Tomorrow the sun will rise again,
Or maybe it will be a rainy day.
But regardless of the weather.
I will try again.
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