Jan 2021
A tangled web.
My world turned in the other direction faster than what was in any of my control. One minute I was on top of the world, I was planning for the future and I was excited to start exploring and living life. I was full of ideas, my thoughts and ideas raced through/ in and out of my mind. I become fixated on whatever specific scheme or grand plan that had been created inside my head. Which these things a lot of people would see as a positive. And it was, but I wasn't in the driver's seat at this time. Things were getting out of hand, Hannah was still in there. But this wasn't Hannah, something had taken over me. This thing I don't really understand, or even know exactly what it is yet. I have some ideas, but I'm waiting to be seen by some new professionals. The waiting game is agonizing, for me and my family. I feel the stain me and my illnesses place on those closest to me. I hate that and it fills me with so much guilt.
How do I know when to call it, to except that outpatient treatment just simply isn't enough for me right now. I am absolutely terrified and filled with anxiety constantly. I am coming to realise that maybe I need more help than what I currently have. Which at the moment there isn't a lot of it. And one gp appointment a week being the only help I have at the moment isn't enough to support me. I am so grateful for my family, the love and support they give me day in and day out. I feel so bad about it though, and I feel like such a burden. I feel like they shouldn't have to go through this with me every single day. That they must be over it, they must be exhausted and also filled with anxiety about not knowing what to do or what not to do.
Maybe I need to go back into hospital, into a general ward and not into an eating disorder program. My mood is the biggest problem at the moment and it's fluctuations of highs and intense lows are not getting any better. I fear that I am beyond doing this at home, I fear facing the reality of accepting that there is something not right inside my brain.
When I come out of these episodes, it's hard for me to believe that it actually happened, that it was real. I don't even recognise the person I become or that the intense thoughts or the way I was so in another world was real.
I know I need help, and I'm trying to get it. But the wait lists for specialists are so long for outpatient services and I really need help in the very moment of now. I don't know if I can wait months to see these specialists, because I so need help right now.
Comments
Post a Comment