Light to the end of the tunnel
Not that long ago, I was shrinking and maintaining a body to fit into a size 6 skirt. My entire world was consumed by numbers, especially the number that I saw on the bathroom scales in front of me. It's hard for me to believe that the photos I have in my camera roll are and were once real. I at times were praised for how I looked, that I looked 'good' and that I looked 'healthy'. In reality that couldn't have been further from the reality. The reality, that I can now see that I once couldn't was a story that others didn't understand to the full extent to how bad the dark place I was in was. I was so deeply consumed and brainwashed by my eating disorder. I was really sick, even if I didn't think I was nor did I believe it.
At times, even in the present of this very environment as I actively work towards recovery, I can often feel such intense feelings of hopelessness, question what is the point to all this and think that it all is far too hard. But even despite all this, everyday I get up and I fight for a life outside of this terrible illness. And even though it takes so much for me to admit it, but I am so proud of me. Im proud of me for facing up to life, challenging myself and fighting for myself every single day. I could've let this illness kill me and I could've and still could just throw the towel in on all of this. But I didn't and I haven't. Not giving up or giving in hasn't come easily, it hasn't come without a bucket load of tears and distress. But the best moments are when you hit new challenges in life and you realise how much you've grown, how much stronger you are and how you are so much more resilient than you used to be. Because it's often second nature to draw on all the negatives in our lives and by-pass the 1% wins. But the wins are within you, even if you haven't found them yet. They are there, I promise you.
Right now I am feelings so many emotions, emotions of happiness and sadness. The eating disordered part of me is screaming at me all the time, especially more than ever as I fight back to it as I begin to take back some of the control and saying no to it, which the ed hates. And every day in and out it's hard, it's really fucking hard. But please hold on, keep fighting and keep trying even when it seems like there is no point to any of this. Because there is, you are not a lost cause or dug in a hole too deeply that feels like you can't climb out of. Trust me, I get it. I really do, but change is possible, digging yourself out of that deep hole can happen. It won't happen overnight, it might not happen in a day, a week, a month or even not in a year. But you see, just as you didn't choose to have an eating disorder, it takes time to recover from one. And with everyday you learn, everyday is a second chance. It is possible, I am proof of that.
Love Hannah x
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