I don't have to prove it anymore

16/12/2020

I don't have to prove it anymore

There has been parts of this journey where I felt I that I was "not sick enough" to have an eating disorder. After years upon years of being invalidated and dismissed, it constructed an entirely separate belief system inside my head. I felt like I had to 'prove' that I was 'sick' and prove that I had an eating disorder when at certain parts of my journey where I didn't look like the stereotypical anorexic girl. That it wasn't true nor real that I had a diagnosis of Anorexia. In the beginning I remained in denial for a really long time that I even had this thing called an eating disorder. In the early days I was simply brushed off by health-care professionals because of the fact that I wasn't underweight, that I had a healthy BMI and that my blood work was normal. The more I was told everything was so called 'normal' in fact fueled my eating disorder. It fueled that I wasn't unwell at all and that my thoughts and behaviours were normal and not a problem at all. So I continued down a slippery road, one that at the time I had no idea I was sliding down. But the reality it was that this ride was one that was gathering more and more momentum every single day. 

That voice inside my head started to scream louder and louder, until it became the only thing I could hear. Which was it's dictating commands and the only thing I could focus on was the NUMBERS. The numbers on the bathroom scales, how many steps I had clocked up on my fitbit, the number on the tag on that skirt, the number of calories on that muesli bar or a packet of chips and the numbers on that kitchen scale as I weighed every single morsel of food and drink that was going to enter my mouth. I had become completely obsessed and controlled by the internal voice. 

The obsessions, behaviours and thoughts continued to snowball, but I remained under the radar again and again in healthcare system. Every blood test that came back normal, was another week that rolled the snowball that bit bigger. It made me stay in denial, in denial that I was in fact unwell. But no one really seemed to think it was a big problem or that it was that big of an issue.  So I continued doing what I was doing; restricting, purging, abusing laxatives and over exercising day after day. And with each day the intensity dial would go up and up a notch. 

As I continued to snowball out of control in a world that I believed that was in total control, things started to deteriorate. At my regular GP appointment I began to be warned that I was heading down dangerous territory, but I didn't believe in any of it. I simply believed that what I was being told about what wouldn't happen to my health if I continued putting my body through with what I was doing to it. That the consequences of these things would never happen to me. And because I believed that I wasn't in fact "sick enough" or that I didn't "look like " the anorexic girls you'd see on social media or in the paper, than I wasn't a true anorexic.  Which made me feel like a fraud and a fake, that none of this was real. 

The repeated weekly GP appointments became a regular event on my calendar which became soon a new normal for me. Every time I stepped on the scales, the number had to read less. I'd weigh myself multiple times pre appointments, I'd starve myself even more prior blood tests, and I'd dehydrate myself with restricting fluids and using laxatives to help me loose weight. Each day I'd have to intensify my behaviours in effort to loose more weight. I found myself in this cycle where I had to loose weight to have have this thing called Anorexia.  I felt like I had to prove something to these people, people who had just chucked me a diagnosis and then just left me astray because I was deemed healthy in their tick box forms. But you see, an eating disorder is so much more than its clinical tick boxes about your bloods, ecg's, blood pressure and your BMI. An eating disorder is a mental illness, one that has physical complications because of it. 

I wonder if the system was different if my journey would've been different if someone hadn't had left me drift astray, if I have had intervention earlier would've helped me? But I can not change what has happened to me or how I was treated, but I can change how I write the next chapters. 

I've consciously stopped worrying about others opinions on what I have to 'look like' to have an eating disorder. I've stopped trying to seek validation from professionals who have no intent to understand my struggles. And those who don't believe in treating me holistically. I've stopped feeling like I have to prove to them how much I was struggling. I'm learning how to advocate for myself and actually trusting my gut feelings.  I've also learnt that having an eating disorder and that this journey can look and feel so different all the time. That it can change from one day to the other. When you realise that there isn't a 'thin enough' or a 'sick enough' and realizing that not everyone is going to validate your struggles the way you'd like them too. The easier self acceptance is, and how you then use your experiences good and bad to help you to move on and forwards to find the right people to help you and how you can help yourself. 

I know I am sick, 

I know I want to get better,

I now know that not everyone will validate me, understand me and some will judge me. 

I've learnt that I don't have to prove to no person or professional my struggles. 

So as I learn, I realise that not everyone will understand that not all illnesses are visible, and will struggle to understand what it's like to suffer from mental and chronic conditions that are complex on the inside and not always noticeable on the outside. 

The right support people are out there. Sometimes it just takes a little longer to find the right ones. 

Love always

Hannah X