I am learning

Saturday 11th July, 2020

It ain’t easy, it’s really flipping hard. And some moments feel so intense that they feel like they will never pass. I find myself often, especially by late afternoon/evening time where I fall into a massive hole and it feels like I am drowning in the ocean. I get upset, depressed, lonely and feel like a total burden and sometimes I just don't want to do it anymore. And I just want to take my sleeping pill and go to bed and sleep, for the day to be over. I am exhausted to the core, and sleep is the only time in my day where I get some relief from the nightmare inside my head, and the constant struggle of going up against Anorexia. 

Tackling this illness, is harder than ever before. And for the first time in years I am trying to do it at home. Like actually really trying.  

I did not choose to develop anorexia or any of my mental or chronic illnesses. These are the cards that life dealt me, I can't change that. For a really long time, I was convinced that I would never get better, that this would be my life ever. And that I would never be the same person after the experiences life has put me through. And to be honest, I don't want to go back and be that same person I was. How could I anyway? I hope parts of the old Hannah are a part of this Hannah without Anorexia chained to her ankles that I am creating, but there are parts of Hannah I plan on leaving behind as well.  I don't want to revert back to the 16yr old Hannah, because that would be almost in a way setting me up to potentially bring me right back to how all these things came about in the first place. I missed so many years of my life as I was consumed and dictated by my eating disorder, but now I am trying to regain and create a new life for myself. I don't really have many ideas how I want this new life to look like, or what I exactly want to fill my life up with. But I have finally realized that recovery can be a reality, that  healing is possible and I am growing each and every day. 

A member of my treating team said to me "not many people have the opportunity to recreate themselves, to start a new life for themselves from your eating disorder and creating a new life for you is right out there waiting for you to discover". It took me a little while to get my head around this new concept that had been brought to the front of my mind, and with time it began to make some sense to me. Maybe she was right? That separating from Anorexia and leaving the life I have lived with it for the last seven years, if I jumped on the recovery train I had this huge opportunity to create a life I want to live and the opportunity to recreate a healthier and happier version of myself. 

I had a conversation with my psychologist this week (when I first started writing this piece) which really made me see my thoughts and anxieties in a different light. I became aware that I am very critical, especially of myself. So have been trying to be a bit kinder to myself and not be so critical and harsh. I am reminding myself that I am HUMAN!  

I took away a few things which included:

That my life has dramatically changed (in a good way) in the last 12 and 1/2 months. I am learning all the time. 

I am Learning:

How to build relationships friends and creating relationships with my family,

How to trust, 

How to ask for help, 

How to be vulnerable, 

How to get my needs met,

How to talk & communicate with my family,

That I am more than just Hannah with Anorexia, I am also a sister/step sister, daughter/step daughter and also a friend.

We also had a lengthy discussion about thoughts, anxieties and about the emotional skills that most of us develop as children or teens. 

I am now aware that many of the skills such as emotion regulation, expressing feelings and emotions, being open & transparent and even just asking for help when I need it. I didn't learn when I was younger. But I am trying to learn these skills now. 

I often find myself caught up comparing myself to my younger sisters, or people my own age. And comparing myself with where my life is at compared to them. And also feeling guilty that as the eldest and I know very old fashioned but feeling like I should be the one hitting the stereotypical milestones before them. In this reality, in this moment of the present they are in a different time of their life compared to me. And yes sometimes it makes me sad or angry with myself, but I am trying to stop being so hard on myself and am now telling myself that it isn't my fault that I didn't learn so many skills when I was younger, or that in those critical points when I was younger,  my life was traumatic at times, messy and unsettled. And to remember that none of it was or is my fault either.