TRIGGER WARNING MENTIONING SELF HARM
I have struggled with deliberate self harm (DSH) for a number of years. It became a really big problem for me on a day to day basis to cope with whatever I was going through.
When I came home from an inpatient admission earlier this year, I had been DSH free my entire admission (which I had to be to stay on the ward). But when I came home, I really tried hard to remain DSH free. Yes I have had a few slip ups here and there during this process, but overall I have made so much progress at eliminating this behaviour from my life.
Almost everyday at some stage the thoughts and distress would emerge and I would have the urge to self harm to deal with whatever was going on for me at the time. I really had to have a tough conversation with myself inside my head, to try and get through my distress without using DSH.
You may be thinking or asking yourself, how did I do it? How did you stop using DSH to cope with my overwhelming thoughts, distress and emotions?
It has taken quite some time, and is something I still have to actively have conversations with myself about, to stop myself from going back down the path of using DSH to cope at times.
1. Reality Check
I had a bit of a scare one night, which made me view how I had been using this way to cope in a very different way. It was a bit of a wake up call to me. I realised that I didn't want to be in that position I was in that night again.
2. Openness & Honesty
I have found being truly open, honest and transparent with my treating team and my family has made a massive difference for me. I am still learning how to do this, and continuing working on using my words to express how I am feeling.
3. Unleashing everything by using my words
Attempting to not bottle everything up on the inside and feeling like I have to do it all on my own has helped also. I started off with simply sending my step mum a text message when I was struggling or if I needed support. Which practice, time and learning I know can go to any family member in my house and say "look I'm not doing so well" "I am sad" "Can I please have a hug" or "I don't feel safe, can you please sit with me"
4. It's okay to cry
I think actually letting myself have a meltdown and a good solid cry has been very cleansing. I have never really been a big cryer, and for a period of time I was so medicated that I felt pretty much absolutely nothing and it was so bad that part of my journey is a complete blank. I am still medicated now, but under a different psychairst who reassessed and changed all my medications. These changes have had so many major positives to my life. I am so thankful to now finally feel like I am medicated properly.
I have also used a few other strategies in keeping myself safe and to be able to ride out the wave/urges.
My family were going away for the weekend, which meant I was going to be home alone. Which I was fine with. I had been doing quite well in managing my self harm urges and staying self harm free, but I still had a lot of sharps hanging around. I had deliberately self harmed a few weeks earlier and kind of scared myself with what I had accidently done. So knowing I was going to be home alone for the weekend, I wanted to keep myself safe. So I bagged up my sharps and handed them over to my step mum. Aside from handing them over because i had to, when I have been in hospital and had room and bag searches I have never given them up or got rid of them myself. So this was huge for me. As I went to walk away after handing them over to my step mum, I turned back around and said "actually don't hold onto to them, throw them out, not here obviously but throw them out. I don't need them anymore, I can use my words". I then put my arms out for a hug and squeezed her tightly. I felt safe and I felt loved. I knew I had made a safe choice and also a ground breaking decision moving forward to remain self harm free, which has been another huge struggle for me for quite some time. It was hard at first, not self harming and at times I still get the urge to self harm but not nearly as frequently as I used to. As I having been learning how to use my voice and ask for help, and also learn how to feel and express emotions instead of self harming to get that instant numbing of the thing that is destroying you on the inside, I began to realize I didn't need self harm anymore. That I am surrounded by people who love and care for me, who can also support me through the rough times where I feel like I need to self harm. Learning to do this has been hard, really hard. But I am a few months in now self harm free. And I am really proud of me for it because not that long ago if someone had said to me that you'll no longer need to self harm to deal with whatever is going on. I would've said you are crazy. But it is possible.
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