04/08/2020
Hello my lovely readers,
It has been a little while since my last blog piece, but I am back and back trying to write again. Today's blog I aim to open up and talk about the positives of engaging in recovery from Anorexia. So here we go.
In the thick of the refeeding process time and time again over the years, and starting the refeeding process again in the last two months, I have always held onto being told that once I nourish my body properly that I see major differences. But because of my other medical conditions and how they affect my everyday life and functioning, I have found it hard to see the physical benefits of eating because food does not solve the other medical complications that go on with my body. I had some new diagnoses made earlier this year, but I saw a new specialist a few weeks ago to further investigate what is going on, because something is still not right, something is still wrong. For years I've been told that everything was a result of my eating disorder, that my eating disorder was the cause of all my pain, struggles and symptoms. But turns out it it's more complicated than that. And that we are still not at the bottom or found the root cause of what is going on with this body of mine. And even though we are in thick of this awful time of COVD19, right now I am laying in a hospital bed here in the city. Where I am hoping we get to the bottom of all this, and that we can work out what is wrong and therefore move forward with a plan and management. I have been able to do this because for the real first time I have stabilsed my eating disorder.
In my darkest of moments I see no light, no hope and no progress. But this couldn't be more not true. I think, and I know personally for me all my attention goes straight to "oh I've gain x amount" or "my clothes don't fit how they used too, that I am fat" That number on those flipping scales, or the size tag on that dress or the reflection of myself in the mirror dictates my worth or progress. At one point weight restoration was a huge thing in my journey. But I am learning that recovering from an eating disorder has so so many components to it, which I am going to share with you.
When I got on the recovery train back in June, it was initially intended that I would go into inpatient treatment as I felt I could not do it from home, that I needed a circuit breaker and help beyond the home. But the intended initial plan didn't go ahead for many reasons and I did not want to go back to the clinic I had been in and out of since 2017. So in the end we decided to keep giving recovery and re-establishing adequate nutrition from the home environment. In my last blog I talked about how really tough, and still is really tough tackling this illness and my other co illnesses have been for me, and probably many similarities for others facing eating disorders or mental/chronic illness themselves.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
Even when that eating disorder voice is screaming at you to obey it, please don't give up fighting this fight!
It's often the little things that seem the most meaningful less but are often such significant parts of this journey.
There's no denying I have and still struggle with obsessive and compulsive exercise. A walk for example was purely about burning calories and a way to enable and allow myself to eat that meal. But now I am learning how to actually appreciate the crisp fresh air on my face as I walk and the warm sun shining on my back behind me. And to actually enjoy taking little Henry (my sister's king charles cav) for a walk and allowing him sniff around without getting agitated about having to stop walking every couple of metres.
Back in June, I was ashamed and guilt ridden to ask for help and to need help from my family at home. I felt like a burden and a nuisance, and even though they would reassure me that I wasn't I still felt like I was. There are many reasons in my head to why I felt this way so often. But the more I reached out and asked for help when I needed it they stronger my new established beliefs about asking for help was okay become. I started off by sending my step mum a text from my room when I needed support, which at the time was really hard. I used this way to communicate for some time, then one day I used my words to communicate what I needed. And day by day I became a stronger communicator and therefore better able to ask for what I needed. Whether it was asking for a hug or helping me put a doona into its cover. I can now do it.
I have never been an over affectionate person with anyone, but turns out I think affection with the right people in my own way is something that has been missing in my life. That I have been crying on the inside, and in turn then hurting myself and my body. I love my good morning and good night hug with my step mum each day. I love that I can now say "Love you too" to my Dad. Who I initially couldn't even call him "Dad" and every time he'd say he loved me, I couldn't produce the words to say it back to him. But I can now. I can also say those words "I love you" to the 5 important people in my life and mean every inch of those three words.
Not that long ago, DSH was a part of most of my days. It was something that if someone had said to me that you would no longer be using DSH as a means to cope or punish myself I would've told you that you were crazy. But I have been DSH free for a few months now, and I am so proud of me. I honestly never thought I'd be able to not use DSH. But it turns out I can.
I also never saw a time where I wouldn't be religiously weighing myself, and not being 100% obsessed with the number I saw on the scales. I don't even remember how many sets of bathroom scales I have bought and then handed over to my step mum, but it's been quite a number. I think though, handing the most recent set over was one of the most important and therapedic things I could do for myself. The number and the numbers do still consume me and upset me, but I am trying to free myself from them day by day. Not having that religious weigh and that number dictating my day, my dietary intake and my exercise has been a game changer in my journey towards recovery. I am learning to live the day to day without needing to know what I weigh, and not allowing it to control my life.
My diagnoses or my illnesses do not have to define my entire existence, that there is so much more to Hannah and who I am. That I am; a sister, stepsister, friend, a step daughter and a daughter. That I am a part of this new family and new people in my life, and that I do play an important role in each of their lives also.
Now, let's talk about relationships.
I have the strongest relationships with my immediate new family, right now than I ever have had. And is something I never thought I'd have. I have learnt and still always learning to the meaning of family, and what it means to be apart of one.
I've never really felt the concept of how important the meaning of family was, and for years I didn't have a family to fall back on. Which strained and where I then lost pretty much all the friendships in my life that I had at the time. When I was 18 I moved out of home, which was one of the best things that I needed. But I spent a period of time living alone, which turned out to be not a good period of time for me. I then bounced around living at different friends places and in and out of hospital admissions. At the end of my inpatient admissions I never knew where I was going home to, with who and where. It wasn't until November 2018 when I moved back with my Dad, who I hadn't had a relationship with for like 6years. But I am so glad I listened to a wise and very important life long friend that day when she said to me "I think you need to go home to Dad" and I was upset and terrified but I packed my things and moved in with my Dad, his partner (now fiance) and her daughter.
I am so lucky to have my step-mum and my step sister in my life, and I don't ever see my life without them in it. I honestly do not remember much of the first 12 months of living with my family, as I was so under nourished. But they are both such an important part of my life and I don't know what I would do without them. I love them so much with every inch of my heart. The bond and relationships with them both have made so much progress in the last few months. I have allowed them into every inch of my life, the highs and the lows. Dropped my guard, learnt how to trust, laugh, contribute and I am learning how to love and how to be loved for probably the first time in my entire life. The relationships I have with these two special humans means so much to me, something so special that I never thought I would have. But I now do, and for that I am so blessed every single day.
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