June 2020.
It's far from linear, it's more like a messy giant squiggle.
A concept that I have heard before but never gave it a second thought. Today's blog is going to be about the reality of what this messy and giant squiggle looks like for me. It''ll look different for each individual, but I wanted to share about how this journey to fight for a life free of this illness is panning out for me right now. It'll be true and a raw reality of the battles I am facing right at this particular time. I am going to put a TRIGGER WARNING on today's blog as it is going to share some of the realities and truths of going through this process of getting better. This post may not be for you and that's completely okay.
As I curled up in a ball under my weighted blanket last night and my step mum beside me until my night medications kicked in and I then felt safe, secure and not alone. I laid there and said "Everyone talks about how once you recover you'll never look back" and share that there is "light at the end of the tunnel, that the fight to get well is worth fighting for" but no one says about the things in the middle, how do you overcome all the hard stuff? How do I get through to the other side? How do I keep fighting? How do I not give up? and how do I get through this shit storm that I am experiencing right now? I have so many questions, ones without answers.
The reality....
Recently I came to the decision that I wanted to get better, that I wanted to regain life. That this time I really want to start fighting to create a life that isn't fuelled, consumed or ruled completely by Anorexia. Coming to this massive and pretty life changing decision has come with a bucket, or more like a few million buckets of anxiety. And to be honest I am still learning this new concept of feeling feelings and understanding emotions.
Wanting to fight to get better, I had come to this major decision a few weekends ago. Omg stringing the words together and getting them to come out of my mouth was terrifying. Then over the next week I found myself then discussing this potential plan to get well to my treating team. So my psychiatrist, gp, dietitian and psychologist. And I struggled every single time to formulate my ideas and thoughts into words. I was so anxious and super nervous. I had no idea what their responses to this plan I had come up with were going to be. Or even if this idea plan was even possible. And to add this would also be the first time that I had said "I want to get better for good".
And Anorexia hated it, it really fucking hated it every single time I thought about the concept to get well and every time I talked to each of member of my treatment team. Did that voice in my head yell and scream at me? Did I feel guilty and like shit? And did I feel so small inside? Well the answer is yes to all of it. Being yelled at by your eating disorder is never fun. But my healthy self grounded itself, and held on tight to not crumble down to that loud voice telling me that I am not worthy of recovery, that I am not worthy of help, nor am I even sick and that my broken puzzle pieces were too broken so I could never be put back together. I had to stand up for healthy Hannah, stand up for her future, stand up to fight to regain life. It wasn't easy standing up and going against the voice of Anorexia that has controlled my life for the past 7 years. It was flipping really hard, it really kicked up and was convincing me to do a total black flip on the idea to get well and get help. And even though it was incredibly hard, I held on and am still holding on right now. Because there are times right now where my eating disorder is still convincing me that I am fine, and that I don't need treatment. And as the days go on that voice yelling at me gets louder and louder and attempts to convince me that I am fine. As I wait this waiting treatment process plan out, the louder the ed voice is getting, and that it has more time to brainwash me and convince me that it's all under control. Which in reality couldn't be further from the truth or fact.
Once I had suggested this new treatment plan idea and disclosed that I wanted to get better, I felt an instant sign of relief. A huge weight off my shoulders. I could just take a breath for a moment. I still was anxious, and the voices and thoughts were bouncing around inside my head. But I breathed through it and eventually the words stringed into sentences and my ideas to come to the table and not stuck ruminating in my mind. Once I got it all out, I realised it wasn't even as bad like my mind had convinced that it was going to be. Everyone, my entire team are on board. Which is fantastic. I have their support and right now we are just working out the logistics of how to make it happen.
It's taking some time as it's a little complicated and isn't as straightforward as previous treatment I have had in the past. So I am doing my best at being patient and trying to keep on top of my anxiety. Which is proving rather challenging. But my team believe that the wait will be worth it, that this new treatment plan idea (which we don't have it all worked out or how it will actually work in reality) but this different treatment path will hopefully be really helpful and successful for me. So theres a bit of a wait to go into the right treatment and have the right supports in place. So in the meantime I hold onto hope that wait will be worth it in the long run. Some days that hope feels so incredibly small, so I let my treatment team hold onto it for me.
During this wait process, I have been attempting to implement and starting to try some new things out whilst I am at home to get the ball rolling until this treatment plan gets underway.
I am not going to sugar coat it, it's been extremely hard going against this voice inside my head.
There's moments when I just want it all to stop and I want it to be over all ready.
Some nights I curl up in the darkness of my room and those thoughts of just wanting to die overwhelm me (There is no intention to take my life and there is no plan) it's just a feeling I experience sometimes.
In anticipation of this wait process, my anxiety is riddling me more and more as I have no exact answers how or when this treatment is going to be or when it'll take place. So feel like I am constantly on edge and waiting for the phone to ring.
I cry a lot, like sometimes most days. Ranging from the so called ugly cry, howling, weeping and sobbing. I am experiencing it all. This thing we call tears and crying, are emotions I have suppressed most of my life. So it feels really foreign to me to actually cry and to allow myself to be upset. Some nights I go back up to my room, in the dark and just completely bawl my eyes out until I can no longer cry any more tears. Some nights I need my step mum to put me to bed, tuck me in and sit with me until my medication kicks in and I start to fall asleep. Feel safe, secure and that everything is going to be okay. I kind of feel like a little kid again at times I guess.
I've always been a suppressor of my feelings, thoughts and emotions. I have also spent a long time numbing the pain with maladaptive coping mechanisms. But one morning I made a big decision and did something I have never done before. I have been a self harmer for a while, I am so much better than what I used to be like and have been self harm free for maybe a month now and I plan on continuing being self harm free. With my family having the weekend gone away, I wanted to eliminate the risk of having these items in the house with me. So I found them and handed them over to my step mum. Initially, I just wanted them to be taken away for a short period of time to keep myself safe. But as I handed them over, I was like "I don't need them anymore, throw them out" and "I am learning to use my words and to ask for help when I am struggling instead of hurting myself". I put my arms out for a hug, I felt safe and loved. I realised that even though I feel alone and isolated a lot of the time by my illnesses, I am actually surrounded by people who do love me. These people, my family. I am learning how to trust, open up to and learning that it is okay to not be okay. That I can lower my brick wall, and let them in. That I don't have to pretend to have it all together and face all these inner demons and struggles alone.
I am figuring out that it's okay to cry, that it's okay to ask for help and that it's okay to ask for things that you need.
Whilst still at home, I have been attempting to curve my compulsive and obsessive exercise rituals. Which has been really hard to do. I overdid it a few weeks back on the exercise front and my chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia has come and dragged me down a lot since then. Which has changed the way I can exercise and how much I can do now because of my worsened cfs. Going cold turkey didn't feel like an option I was ready for right now, so I am doing my best to reduce the amount of time I spend exercising and deleted the calculation I had in my head around how much exercise I needed to do in order for it to be okay to eat.
Some nights all I want to do is go to bed and fall asleep. I feel so exhausted I just want to close my eyes and for it to all be over for 12hrs until we have to face the struggles again the following day.
I am learning,
As I am also slowly growing day by day.
I totally understand that in the moments of distress, it feels like you'll never get through it.
That the dark storm cloud feels like it's drowning you.
That it feels like all these thoughts, feelings and emotions will never pass.
I know what it feels like for it like to feel like it's an impossible ride to get through.
But I am learning that I can and will get through the other side of that dark rain cloud time and time again.
As I am learning that it's okay, healthy and normal to express emotions and feel emotions.
I am learning that I no longer have to face my battles alone. That I have an amazing treatment team and a loving family, both who are incredible and are riding the highs and lows of this new, uncertain, unknown and untouched road with me.
That my panic attacks have re emerged to the surface. But you do get through the other side of these, even when it feels like you'll never get a normal rhythm to breath back. Remember the strategies you have learnt to get your breathing back again. Remind yourself that you will get through it, that you will be okay.
I've learnt that certain things I thought I had dealt with in my past and had moved on from, that I actually hadn't. New stuff is coming up to the surface quite a bit, but I am discussing these things with my psychologist and working/ talking through them.
When I began to no longer be able to hide how deeply I have been struggling. Putting on that smiley face and that chipperness in my step began and has become to feel almost impossible anymore.
I am doing my best at following the meal plan that is prescribed for me. Some meals it is an incredible battle to get me to the table and then a long time to get through the meal. But I am doing it, I am trying my best.
Every time I find myself refusing meals or tempted to restrict, I try and catch myself and remind myself that by restricting, compensating and refusing to eat and drink is in fact fueling my eating disorder. That it is then making it stronger and making it harder for me to recover. I lay there in a tight ball under a blanket in the darkness, and eventually realise and know what I need to do, that I need to follow this meal plan, I need to go and sit at that table and eat.
I am constantly exhausted.
Living with a fully functioning eating disorder and challenging is really flipping hard. I'm not going to lie.
Throw in CFS, POTS and depression in the mix and it's not a lot of fun.
It is hard.
Really extremely hard.
I often fall apart.
But I am learning that that is also okay.
I am learning how to seek comfort to ride out the storms,
And how to ask for help when I am not okay.
I am learning that I don't have to do this alone anymore.
That I am not a burden,
A hassle,
A nuisance,
Or to be seen and not heard.
It's okay to speak up.
I take each day, hour by hour. sometimes it feels like the day is endless.
Some days are worse than others.
Some days are better than others.
It's hard,
Upsetting,
And if I'm being honest it is a shit of a time at certain times more than others,
Which doesn't really sell this whole recovery thing.
But I hold onto hope in believing that recovery is possible.
I am riding and will go through some shit storms to get to the other side.
So I dream about the days in the future, a future reality. And the things I want in this life, the things that my eating disorder currently stops me from doing.
Like going to have a coffee or a meal out at a cafe with a friend.
Or Enjoy a guilt free walk in the sunshine.
Eat intuitively.
To be able to Laugh and smile again.
To be inspired.
To learn.
To love
To live.
To discover this world around me.
To be free to do whatever I feel like doing without this loud and dicating voice screaming at me inside my head.
There are so many things that my eating disorder stops me from. There is so much life out there waiting to be loved, explored and lived.
In times when I find it hard to be motivated. I remind myself that I want to get better. And despite how hard it is to go against that loud Ed voice that it will be worth it for future me.
Someone wise once said to me, "the best things come to those who work hard and fight to attain the things that are important for them to have in their life".
Someone once also said to me, " give this recovery thing a go, you can always go back. But I have never met anyone that has wanted to go back to the life of living with an eating disorder"
And that is so powerful to me.
Hold onto hope within, that you can get through this.
Even when the candle flame feels like the wind has blown it out, you can reignite it.
Hannah, you are not alone. Even when a lot of time it feels totally isolating and lonely. But know that your family, friend and team are holding onto that hope for you in the times where you cannot for myself.
There is always hope somewhere, even in times of complete darkness, adversity and hardship.
There is hope for a life for you out there, waiting for you to discover and fall in love.
Recovery is possible. So many are proof of that. It can be a reality for you.
Despite the rough roads you will go through to get there.
Fighting for a life free of this debilitating illness will be worth fighting for.
Love Hannah X
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