My eating disorder screamed to restrict "But I said no"

Tuesday 9th June, 2020

It screamed to restrict, but I said no. 

Lunch today was a tough one to get to the other side, but I did it. 

Recently my dietician suggested that I have a supplement for lunches. It's been a meal that I had been skipping and restricting. To overcome this, for me at this particular point this is the best option for me was to introduce a supplement. I agreed that I would try, and that I would give it a go for the week ahead. 

So on Thursday prior to writing this, I let my step mum know that I would be introducing supplements for lunch, and that I would be giving it a go. The concept of having lunch again has been daunting and really difficult.  With Anorexia screaming at me to not send that initial text and ask for help, as it knew it could no longer get away with skipping/restricting. The reality was that I was going to have to give being stronger than that loud voice a shot with this new plan. Which was and is proving to be really difficult. But we are doing it. 

So over the long weekend we tackled this having lunch thing with my family.  My family have been super supportive during everything, and again as I face another part in this challenging time.  Challenging it this week included reintroducing this thing called lunch. So everyday my step-mum sat with me patiently at the table until I finished, (which can be a while, I'm sorry) But I did it and got through that supplement despite how hard it was.

With the long weekend over, and my step mum back at work during the day.Tuesday lunch time came and I found myself in a predicament. I had to hold myself accountable. Which was scary.  I knew I hadn't been honest with Dad, who was at home at the time about my struggles with having lunch, as my eating disorder has had me lying about eating lunch when I haven't been for quite some time. So that voice inside my head was screaming loudly at me to "just skip lunch no one will know" "just restrict" and "you can't eat you'll gain weight". All that felt very real, and in the mind of my ed felt true.  I tossed up whether to restrict or not to restrict for a long while. It was a ping pong match inside my head, there was a lot going on up there. But I came to the conclusion that I needed to have lunch, even though I really didn't want to. So I ended up going outside to my Dad and saying could we play a game of cards whilst we have lunch. We came inside and  he tried to offer me a sandwich and I snapped "don't mess up the plan" and I swore in there as well. He also gave me a cookie on a plate which I refused also. I just wanted to get through this supplement, that had been prescribed to me on my meal plan. I do feel bad about snapping in that very moment, my eating disorder makes me a horrible person to be around at times and I am sorry. I know he's only trying and I appreciate that.  I figured that he just didn't quite get how hard it was for me to actually come to the decision to have lunch and to go against that very loud voice telling me not to eat. Or how hard it was for me to say okay let's have lunch  And then actually do the thing, and eat (well drink, in my case). So when he offered that sandwich and pushed a cookie on me it flipped me out and made my rudeness come to the table. And I am not proud of that at all. 

I appreciated that he came inside and we played a game of cards, which was nice and helped pass the time. My part 2 of my lunch time predicament was that Dad had left the table before I finished and went back outside.  So as I sat there I found myself tossing up whether to finish it or throw it down the sink. But I said no again to that loud voice, and I sat there solo, held myself accountable and finished it. 

When everything was telling me to restrict or throw that last bit out, that was when I knew I had to be stronger than that screaming voice. That voice of Anorexia trying to control my life. I had to be stronger than it, I had to say no to it. Which was a really hard thing for me to do. But in order to work towards recovery I knew skipping this meal would only further fuel my eating disorder, and it would win. 

Do I feel sick in the stomach, guilty, the voices screaming and feelings of being overwhelmed? The answer is a big yes. So right now I am just trying to be kind to myself. Acknowledge that it's hard and it hurts. But I remind myself that this is temporary and that these feelings in this very moment will be apart of this process, but it will pass. 

I am learning that I can no longer trust my eating disorder. That I need to try my best at following the guidance of my dietician .  I need to trust her and do my best at following this meal plan. I have done what I needed to do, I have had the supplement for lunch and I've done it. Anorexic Hannah isn't very happy right now, but healthy Hannah is that 1% stronger for doing it.

It's another meal down. Some pain, anxiety and a screaming voice inside my head. But I did it anyway. It's one step forward in the right direction and today we did it even though it was tough. 

Every part of this journey is challenging and hard right now. Which I'm told means we are challenging this eating disorder and as we do that has come with a lot of tears, anxiety, panic attacks, rudeness, mood swings and a load of other things. I am also learning to ask for help instead of suffering alone (which Im still learning how to navigate this asking for help concept, but I think I am getting a little better day by day) I am learning that despite how loudly my mind tells me that I am a burden, I am really trying to convince myself that I'm not, which is hard for me to get my head around lately. But I am trying. 

Anyways I just want  to finish by saying that I am thankful for everything. As we and I go through the ups and the downs of it all and this giant rollercoaster of a ride.  I am so appreciative for the support, love, time and kindness of my entire family. I love you all. 

Some days will be worse than others, some may be easier. But don't stop trying, if you try I believe that that is perfectly enough (I have to convince me at times that this is true too) 

None of this is perfect sailing or easy, but I will continue to try and I will try again. I think that's all I can continue to do right now, and to hold on. 

Love Hannah X