I no longer want Anorexia to beat me- "I want to overcome it, thrive, be free and to be happy and healthy"

June 2020

 

Eeek. I am still pinching myself as I'm still trying to make sense of it. But

 

"I choose recovery"......

 

Two words that until recently I felt like they were a completely an unrealistic reality for me. 

 

About two weeks ago on my morning walk (I struggle with compulsive exercise a lot, which really kicks me in the face when my cfs then completely relapses on me), anyway as I was walking, I had a truck load of thoughts going around and round inside my head. There was so much going on. But the day before, I saw my eating disorder as a separate person, that there is Hannah and then there is Anorexia that lives inside me. That’s when I saw my eating disorder as a person is when I realised that the only way to get this thing, this abusive thing in my life gone was that I needed to take action. I needed a new plan and that I needed to ask for help and to accept help. So, as I was walking, it crossed my mind that I was running out of time, only just buying myself time week to week. I became apparent that if I didn't do something, then everything would be taken out of my hands, and my treatment team would be making the decisions for me. I didn't want to go down that road again. So, I made this choice. 

 

My eating disorder had convinced me that I would never be able to break away from it, that I would live with it until my body gives up and that would be the end of my story. I believed for a really long time that Anorexia would beat me. That this was the life I was set out to live with forever. Sounds harsh, but this has been the reality for me and what my eating disorder has convinced me that this was my path.  But my healthy self-found a grain of hope and harnessed it in the moment. Whilst all at the same time that eating disorder voice was abusing me in my own mind as I began to hold the door open to my healthy self as I considered that a life without Anorexia could be a reality of the future. So, I came up with a rough plan that I would produce to my treating team. A plan that would be a different treatment combination approach that I haven't done before. This is and will be a brand-new road, one I have never travelled on in this way or committed recovery to this degree ever. I no longer want Anorexia to beat me, I want to beat it. Overcome it, thrive, be free and to be happy and healthy.  

 

Am I scared?  Terrified?  And uncertain of how this journey is going to look? Well the answer is YES, I am. There is are a few thousand thoughts and feelings that are running through my mind most moments of every single day.  It just doesn't stop. 

 

After 7years of struggling and battling with Anorexia, I've came to the decision that I want to give recovery a real shot. It may look and feel different for you, and that's okay. In no way do I want to offend anyone by saying a 'real shot', it's a different process for everyone. But for me, I've never really given this thing called recovery a fully committed shot.  I feel like I have never come out of relapse, that my entire life for this time has been a complete struggle and relapse. For me I have been stuck in a vicious and repeating cycle. A cycle that would consist of getting really unwell and underweight, mentally compromised, depressed, anxious, controlling and obsessive to just list a few. I have found myself in and out of hospital and emergency departments during these times. I would go into treatment, have a stint inpatient and then come home and my eating disorder would take the reins again. I would fall back into old behaviours and obsessions. I find myself feeling as though I'm not 'sick enough' or 'thin enough' and that I couldn't have treatment ata higher weight than what I had previously sat at on prior admissions. That I had to be at my rock bottom before I'd consider help again. Which is so far from the truth. Anyone battling with an eating disorder at whatever stage you are at is worthy of help. This idea that I must be rock bottom to receive help is so false.  

 

I've come to realize that I am in a vicious cycle, a situation that keeps repeating itself.  I've never actually fully committed to any of the work that I put in whilst in hospital when I got home. I'd go through the process of undoing it allwithin at times sometimes days back home and sometimes it's been a bit longer. But my ed has always taken the reins again once I get home at one stage or another. Right now, I have been out of hospital for four months which is the longest time I have spent out of the clinic in three years. It hasn't been a smooth sailing road, it started off okay but quickly I found myself back in my eating disorder rules, rituals and behaviours. And the voice began to get louder and stronger to the point where I have been trapped in its web again. I find myself becoming more aware that some of the things I have been through actually still affect me today, like a lot. But I haven't realized it but it's becoming more apparent, clearer and the events coming alive again. It's scary, but I have a fantastic psychologist who will hopefully be able to help me tackle these things, that I have never had therapy for. I am lucky that I now have a loving family who support me every day. I just have to keep reminding myself that it's okay to be vulnerable, that I don't have to struggle and suffer alone, that it's okay to ask for help for whatever help you need. I am trying to keep telling myself that I am not a burden on those around me, something I feel guilty for a lot. But I am trying to overcome this fear as well. 

 

My healthy self knows it is time that I stop surviving but start fighting for a life that isn't ruled and totally consumed by Anorexia. It's timeI start fighting this illness until it no longer plays any part in my life. It's time to say goodbye, it's time we tackle this thing until it is gone. I think I am actually ready to let it go; well my healthy self is saying this to me a lot more than it has in the past. Anorexia is still screaming and punishing me. Some moments I find myself completely dissociated and in a different world. Completely in shut down mode. 

 

I've been stuck in this abusive relationship with myself, my body and my mind for a really long time.  It's time I say no, not anymore. It's time to break free, it's time to deal with the wounds that haven't healed or ever been dealt with. It's time I stop running, it's time I start talking. It's time I learn how to ask for help, and how to accept help. I'm learning for the first time in like my entire life that I do not need to face my battles alone. I have to constantly remind myself that I am not a burden, a bother, hassle, too much, or that everyone would be better off without me, needy or not sick enough for help. I am trying to figure so much stuff out at the moment. There is a lot going on. I am wanting and willing to start working on the issues underneath the top of the iceberg, the things that we can only see from above. It's going to be hard, but hopefully I get through these though times and come back stronger and more resilient. And hopefully can find some peace with my past, learn from my experiences and make choices towards a happier, fuller and happier life someday. 

 

It's time I trust my team, my family and my friends. I am learning that I can no longer trust my eating disorder anymore. So, I need to trust those people around me. We may not always get it right, but all I can do is try and try and try again until we get to the other side. 

 

I am terrified and have absolutely no idea what I am doing or how to get through this, or how to beat this. But I, Hannah am ready to give it my everything, a real good go to beat this. Because staying in this nightmare I am currently living in now is a scary thought also. 

 

I am tired of this same repeating cycle I've been stuck in for years. I don't want this life anymore, because this isn't living, this is just surviving.  Jazz Thornton, part founder of Voices of Hope introduced this theory which made a lot of sense to me. "Surviving is living in hardship and managing to keep going in difficult circumstances". I want to start fighting "To engage in a battle or a war, fight to overcome and destroy an adversary. 

 

I hold onto hope that there is so much out there in this massive big world waiting to be explored, discovered and so much to experience. 

Right at this point in time how my recovery process is going to look is still in the works. I don't know exactly when where or how, but we are working on it and it's just going to take some time for everything to work itself out. But it will happen in some shape or form hopefully really soon. I am trying, and trying to do the best I can do from home with the support of my family and working with my now virtual (zoom is the new norm) treatment team to help me climb the staircase, to help me get to the othersider through this unknown and uncertain time. I remind myself that I am not alone as I face a lot of changes and challenges on this journey to recovery. Even though a lot of the time it does feel lonely and isolating. But as things are changing and evolving, letting people in right now is so important. Pushing them away isn’t going to help me. It's okay to not be okay, it's okay to not know all the answers, it's okay if you take one step up and two steps back at times. But as long as I don't stop trying and not give up, I think that that it perfectly okay. 

 

I know it's hard, overwhelming, scary and a million other things. But don't stop fighting. You've got this.

 

Happy Sunday

 

Love Hannah X