30/04/2020
Dear younger Hannah,
Oh how I wish I could’ve prepared you for the life events that were going to be thrown your way. I’m sorry for the things you were yet to go through, the battles you would face.
When your bubble popped, you would loose everything and everyone you loved. You were to go through some really tough and lonely times. You would teach yourself that you could only rely and depend on one person and that would be yourself.
You would throw yourself into work and study, burning yourself out. But to cope you needed a constant distraction and to be able to fill that dark space and anxiety with achieving whatever you would put your mind to.
In the very start you’d avoid food, and pretend you ate when you didn’t. The lying would begin, but you would have no idea that there would be anything wrong by doing these things. As your life would feel to be spiralling more and more out of control, you’d find everything else to control and not eating would just become a new normal and you’d think nothing else of it. It wouldn’t be until months later, an older friend in your life would be taking you to the doctors where you would be first diagnosed with an eating disorder. At this time you wouldn’t even know what an eating disorder was, let alone being diagnosed with one. You’d continue to be in denial that you were unwell, or that you had this thing called an eating disorder.
Over the next few years you would continue to struggle through and go through multiple ways of trying to cope with your inner demons and the shitty cards life had dealt you. One battle would turn into another and the deeper the hole you would crawl into.
You will have moved houses x times in x amount of time. Jumping from one place to the other, never in one place for too long. This would create you a lot of instability in your world, but not you were going to see it at this time.
As you would crave feeling in control, the further your world would become out of control. Never did you see your life spiralling in a downward spiralling mess it would become. It will take you a long time to come to terms that you were unwell and that you needed help. But you will come to accepting help in due time and start to become aware of the things going on for you that don’t feel fine.
In 2017, you will have been in this new job for roughly six months. You struggled, struggled a lot and you would end up resigning from your role. You would then in a few days you’d be hospitalized for the first time in the city. This unfortunately wouldn’t be the first and last hospitalization. You would continue to have new diagnosis pile up to your name as you’d come in and out of hospital admissions.
Young Hannah, you were to face some further difficult long roads before things would get better. But things will get better. I can’t promise you’ll it all be okay. But I can promise you hope and strength you’ll get through this.
To my body, I am sorry for what I put you through. I’m sorry for harming you, abusing you, starving you, intoxicating you, burning you out to just name a through. I’d put you through hell, trying to stay in control. Anorexia would make you sacrifice your life to be x kg or fit in x size clothing. There would never be a thin enough or a goal weight that you would stop at. You would continue to fight the evils of Anorexia for a long time, and I cant tell you when it would stop haunting you at this particular part of the story. But I hold onto hope that you will get through this.
You would go through depressive episodes and stages where you felt like you no longer wanted to live.
You would be dying to Anorexia multiple of times.
You’d continue to be going around and around in destructive and life threatening circles.
For years you would continue to be haunted by multiple mental illnesses, chronic illness and Anorexia.
But to younger me there is hope that things will get better. Please hold on, I know it’s hard but please don’t give up.
With persistence, slowly and with patience you would finally find a psychiatrist who you’d click with. Who would hospitalize you, but you would have one of the first most beneficial admissions you’ve had yet. You would still have many bridges to cross, but you’d have someone you trust and who would help take care of you. Your psychiatrist would then refer you to a new psychologist, who you would be fortunately able to connect with as well and start to work through the demons you were facing. After floating between and loosing general practitioners you found a good one, one you would see weekly, one you could talk about anything and everything to. One who would always be transparent and understanding. And lastly a dietician you’d meet after another admission, who you actually would want to work with on your road to recovery and most of relapse prevention. This new team would support you through the shit storms life had thrown at you and continue to throw at you. But would also be there to support you when things start to turn around and to help keep you progressively moving forward. Having this team would not only keep you alive and purely only ‘surviving’ but to one day hopefully alter it to ‘fighting’ this battle and getting through it.
Hannah, unfortunately you would still have many demons to face, mountains to climb and the twists and turns in the road to travel on.
But there is hope for you.
Before life threw the shit things it did at you, you had dreams, aspirations and hopes. I understand that you are probably not going to be able to see them right at this point. That the darkness covers the sun.
Hannah, let me tell you that healthy Hannah is in there. You just haven’t found her yet.
But you will, you will get through these battles. There is still hope.
Dont give up!
Even if you cant see it, life has made you strong enough to beat this disease.
It has made you strong enough to tackle these challenges and strong enough to manage them. You can do this without needing to be harm yourself anymore.
You will no longer run, but trust your team and will try and not listen to the nasty demons and voices in your mind.
Hannah will start not just continue to be ‘surviving’ but she will start ‘fighting’ to find life again
You can do this.
You will see the sun shine brightly soon.
I hold hope for you always.
It’ll be hard yards to travel through, but remember you don’t have to fight this all on your own anymore. Help will get you through this, help is okay, help is a good thing.
Don’t give up, you’ve got this.
Love Hannah
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