My eyes opened to a whole new perspective after a few conversations I had over the past week.
I realized that I didn't choose to get an eating disorder, it's not a path I choose. But a card life dealt me. This horrible illness has taken over every inch of my life. For a really long time it has made me believe that how I was living my life by was normal. That there was nothing wrong and things weren't that bad. I have lived in denial for a really long time. As Anorexia has been successfully micromanaging every element of what I think, do and say. That following its tight hold of control over everything, was what I needed to survive. It has convinced me that there was no way out or any other way to get through life's ups and downs. That this was the life I was to live for the rest of my life, following everything it tells me to do or not do. It has made me believe that I could not break free of it, that there is no life outside of this very life I am in right now. That I would have to live with it forever.
It has made me believe that I am unlovable, worthless, a burden and broken to the extent of unrepair. It has made me believe that food is bad. That I must be punished when I don't do what it tells me to do, that I will never be enough and that nothing I ever do will ever be enough. That I could always do more, or eat less. It has made me believe that my worth as a person, is of a value of a number on the scale or the size tag on a skirt.
For so many years it has made me believe that I was in control. And to be completely honest some days I am still in denial that I have this under 'control' but as a member of my team said to me recently "Hannah you are no longer 'in control' it is in fact 'in control of you". It took some time for me to get my head around this idea, but it is slowly beginning to sink in and as I get my head around this reality.
In more recent times, I have been able to understand the concept and identify a 'healthy self' and my 'eating disordered self' as I have talked about in the post "This is raw, this is real. The reality of living with mental illness". But I never saw my eating disorder as a separate person. Anorexia has made me believe that I am my eating disorder. It has become my entire identity, and my eating disorder has shaped an entire belief system for me to believe in, abide by and live by. But I then realized and considered that maybe that for me, that I have this whole other person living inside my mind. You may not see it this way or believe this, and that's okay. But for me, this is just how I began to see things differently for the first time. That there is Anorexia, who I don't have a name for, but this other person inside my head and my body. Then somewhere there's, Hannah. I hold onto hope that healthy Hannah is within me. I just have to find her, rediscover her and find out who that person is again. I am almost 23years old, so I am not pre eating disorder teenage year old Hannah anymore either. I don't know who healthy Hannah is right now, but I'm starting to think maybe I try and find healthy Hannah, and let her see and discover the world. Let her breathe the fresh air, let the warm sun sit on her face and let her laugh and smile again.
I realized when I saw my eating disorder as a person that it changed my perspective on how I saw it controlling my entire life. I remembered that I walked away from the kids that bullied me at school. That I distanced myself from toxic family members, and people who where unhealthy for me to be around. That I wouldn't allow myself to be dictated, abused, torchered, punished, bullied or yelled at by any person. So why am I letting this thing, or this person-Anorexia do all the above and more to me? Why haven't I told it to fuck off? It has almost kill me, and I am still letting it lead me to the road of death. Which really puzzled me. This thing, didn't start off all bad. It helped me through a lot. But it is no longer helping me, it is bullying and abusing me. And it has for years. It has brainwashed me, it has made me believe it was the only thing I could trust and rely on to always be there. It has made me believe I needed it always. It has manipulated me into it's world and rules. And I have been too afraid to say no to it, to walk away from it. Afraid of what the repercussions of that may end up being.
Oh but boy, have I seen it in a different light as of late.
I also found inspiration from people who are now recovered from eating disorders, who have shown me that hope is possible. That recovery is possible. That you can break free from this life that your eating disorder has convinced you that it is the only life out there.
When I began to see my eating disorder as person in my mind it changed my entire perspective around how I would consider tacking where to from here.
So as I was on my morning walk one day a few days after this. My mind was going around and around in circles, figure eights and even zigzags. There was a whole lot of noise from the eating disorder voice, so incredibly loud. It hated that I was starting to see a different light, and deter my thoughts away from the ones it was trying to make me only listen to.
In my recent relapse, to be honest I've never been out of a relapse. I just keep circling in this same destructive pattern and road I've been trapped in for years. One I just haven't been able to break free of and have been too scared to leave from. So Lately as I have been scrapping through on thin ice and only just getting through, without intervention and decisions made for me. For a moment, my healthy self came to a major realization as I was on this walk. That it was time that I took action, that I started to call the shots, that I tried to take control. Instead of letting Anorexia control me, every single inch of me. That it was time to divorce my eating disorder, that this toxic relationship needed to end. I said to my step-mum, I need a restraining order so to speak on my eating disorder, because as I say no to it, the worse it gets. The louder it gets. The more pain is causes me. But I've realised that I don't want to put up and keep putting up with the crap this disease puts me through every single minute of every single day. That it was time that I gave RECOVERY a go. That it was time to fight to get well, to fight for life. Some days I sit on the other side of the door that is trying to be banged down by Anorexia. Which is tough, upsetting and scary. It is an awful time. This is surely not life? So that is when I figured that it was time to get that divorce paper out, put the restraining order on my eating disorder and to try and walk away from it.
Walking away wouldn't be an easy process. I am totally aware of that and to be honest right now I'm really scared of entering a world filled with so many unknowns, uncertainties and not knowing what twists and turns there will be on this untraveled road. But I am more scared by the idea of sticking around in this life, that is miserable. One where I am trapped and letting Anorexia continue to rule every day of my life until it kills me. That scares me more.
I am choosing to not stay living in the same house as Anorexia inside my head anymore. I am learning that I can't trust my eating disorder, that I need to trust in my treating team, that they will help me get through this, that they know how to get me through this. I am terrified and constantly conflicted with which way to go as the voices go back and forth. But I am going to agree to treatment, agree to some more intense and tailored treatment that will hopefully be more effective in treating this illness. A treatment plan that fits me. I am going to give it my best shot. I have no idea what I am yet to face, how I am going to cope or what things I am yet to go through. But I am going in anyways and giving it my best go, through the good and the bad days.
I hope this new approach I have discussed with my team will help me, I hope it helps to aid me in a healthier direction.
I am so lucky to have a gorgeous and supportive family. For parts of my story, I've had to fight this battle alone. But I am trying to remind myself that I do not have to do that anymore, and that I can let them in. That I am not a burden and my family will always be there for me every inch of the way. That together we will get through each of the hurdles I face on this next chapter of my life, the chapter to fight for life, life free of living with an eating disorder. I know they will help me get through and keep me safe. They will help to be (my ed restraintant) when it's screaming at me.
For the first time ever for me, I am going to give everything I've got to break free. That I will be making Millie Thomas's (endedaustralia) 3 C's for recovery (Conscious, Consistent, Commitment ) at the core to get better and be free from this illness.
I don't know how long it'll take or what is going to be thrown at me along the way. I know it's going to be hard, really bloody hard. But all I can do is try, I will try my best and remind myself that that is perfectly enough no matter what things my eating disorder will try and say to me to drag me down.
I will remind myself that help is okay and to utilize my team to help me through this.
I will remind myself that getting help and using certain methods of treatment to get better is not a sign of failure. But the stepping stones to a healthier side.
I will hold onto the hope that through the storm clouds I face as I climb this massive mountain that there will be sunshine on the other side.
I hold onto that 1% of hope within me to keep me going.
This is going to be hard, some days will be better than others and that's okay.
I am going to give this my best fight.
Love Hannah X
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