I often struggle to to say how I feel, so I write- "Dear Dad"

Dear Dad,

I've written you this letter because I've always been far better at expressing my thoughts and feelings on a piece of paper than to say them face to face. I don't know why this is, but I have been this way for as long as I can remember. I remember being 8yr old Hannah, who'd write poems on birthday cards, but was completely unable to say the words "I love you". The face to face thing, has never been something I have ever been very good at doing, but I am blessed that I can use my words to write, well I try to anyways. I'd be lost if I lost my passion for the written word and if I lost my ability to express at all. 

I believe that everyone in our live plays a different, unique and special piece in our life's story, in each of our own individual puzzles. Each individual plays a different part and role in our lives, whether they are a  friend, a mother, sibling, step sister, step parent, father, aunt or mentor and so on. They are all equally as special and important. I hold these keys so close to my heart always. 

I know it's been over a year now since I have been back in your life, but I am still finding my feet. I'm not sure how long it'll take but I am riding this ride.

 I am still finding out who this new you is.

 Just as you are learning who adult Hannah is. 

I am still learning the ropes of this new normal. 

I am learning how to trust.

I am learning how to be vulnerable.

I am learning how to ask for help.

I am learning how to accept help. 

And most of all, I am learning that I do not have to face my challenges all alone anymore. 

Right now I am trying to figure out how I can let you in, how I can let you help me. Right now I am a little lost and still searching really hard for this answer. Healthy Hannah, does not want to push you away, she needs your help more than ever right now. She just doesn't know how you can yet. But when I find it, I'll let you know. 

I know right now it's a really challenging time, a road neither of us have travelled on and a time where we don't really know what to do or what not to do. Or what to say or not say. 

I can't understand what it must be like to be a parent, because I'm not one. But I can emphasize how hard it must be to see own of your own in so much pain and struggle so badly. It must be hard to have no idea how to help or how to fix it. 

Truth is:

You may not always be the answer or the solution. 

Or be the right person at a particular time. 

 You don't have to be able to fix it. 

You don't have to have the answers to my problems. 

You don't have to have the glue to fix the broken pieces.

You don't have to have all the right things to say to me. 

Sometimes you don't need to say anything at all.

 

But I appreciate that you try your best always, and that you tell me that you love me. 

Knowing your here on this road, every inch of the way means the world to me. 

I may not say it often, but I do love you. 

Hannah X